Melissa’s Latest – 4\16\2010

{ April 16, 2010 @ 9:56 pm } · { 1 }

Here I sit in Las Vegas, at the race track.  It is really nice.  Couldn’t ask for better weather.   Waiting to make our second run, we won’t run again until… I am guessing…6 or 7, if we are lucky.   I just finished watching  that Movie Julie and Julia.  Makes me want to cook.  I love cooking, but I never follow the recipes and I substitute alot.   Maybe that’s why it doesn’t taste that great a lot.  I am going to follow a recipe now to the pinch.. and see if it tastes good.  It isn’t cheap buying all the ingredients…sometimes it is cheaper to eat out… okay  fast food eat out.    The movie is about blogging too… very cool.  I love to go back and read my blogs, after all it is like a diary to me.  What is funny, is my family doesn’t read it.  Well, by my kids and Husband… Hi Annie, Hi Mom.. but the fam doesn’t, you would think they would want to know what is going on in my mind… well, I guess they can read it when I am gone… I wish my mom would write a blog.. about her life, so I would know more.

So, I am here in Las Vegas checking my email and I see that Melissa has written on her carebridge.   She is considering writing a book.   Hey, I am there 1st in line.  Here faith never ceases to amaze me… here it is incase you don’t log on to her carebridge site.  I will write about our Vegas race and my cooking recipe’s later…gater…

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It’s been three weeks since my girl died.  Three, cold, numbing weeks.  I don’t recognize myself.  I am sure that I’m barely recognizable to people who know me well.  I still look the same, but the very essence of ‘me’ feels changed.  It might sound far-fetched, but if all it takes is one single cellular mutation of a cell to form a cancerous cell…. then, I’m certain the changes I feel will likely grow some completely unrecognizable monster too.

Initially, all I could say to describe the pain inside – and pardon the graphics – is that I felt like I was vomiting my insides, chewing them up and eating them.  It was the best description I had then… and not much has really changed.  Same as chewing my innards would change the original matter belonging inside me, the death of my girl has left me altered.

What hasn’t changed is my love of God.  I trust Him.  I trust He will give me tiny doses of the astronomic pain to deal with at a time.  I’ve experienced 50 tiny doses already.  I am grateful for God’s mercy.  The sudden wave of pain will wash over me like a waterfall – completely engulfing me – then the canyon of pain is, just as quickly, stopped up again, like the Hoover Dam.  Sometimes, if I’m lucky, sleep- as heavy as the snow from a Nor-eastern drowns me and then I awake renewed, even joyful.

Something good comes after the pain.  God will bring goodness from my loss… our loss.  My daughter didn’t fight death, she welcomed it.  I bravely told her to put on those sneakers and RUN to the light.  Cassandra fought valiantly against a monster called leukemia. (might as well call it LIFE – it’s the same as leukemia)  She was victorious.

Someone told me I am a strong woman.  Funny, I don’t feel strong.  I am weak and fearful of the pain inside – just waiting to be unleashed.  Then, I am reminded that even the strongest people will have fear… that’s what makes us human.  Relying on God’s strength instead of human strength is what makes us humble.

Thank you prayer warriors for being so faithful to me, my girl, our friends and family.  I think we knew all along this past year was the beginning of the end of CJ’s earthly existence.  I’m glad I was here, and that you joined us.  Stay faithful.  Live like you are dying…. but make sure you know your place in eternity.  It truly is a matter of life or death.

Love you Cassandra!~  Your Mom.

Praise be to God!  Pray incessantly!  Love Mel

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